Automatic simply means that you ca t repair it yourself. (Quote by - Frank Capra)

The trouble with children is that they are not returnable. (Quote by - Quentin Crisp)

I s always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black. (Quote by - Paul Newman)

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. (Quote by - Clarence Darrow)

Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. (Quote by - Gordon Dickson)

A bureaucrat is a Democrat who holds some office that a Republican wants. (Quote by - Alben W. Barkley)

I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of a hill. (Quote by - Erma Bombeck)

The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced. (Quote by - Frank Zappa)

An appeal is when you ask one court to show i s contempt for another court. (Quote by - Finley Peter Dunne)

Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas. (Quote by - Johnny Carson)

As regards rap music, I believe that the c is silent. (Quote by - Dr. Tony Giles)

Cookbooks bear the same relation to real books that microwave food bears to your grandmothe s. (Quote by - Andrei Codrescu)

The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech. (Quote by - George Bernard Shaw)

A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. (Quote by - Joey Adams)

If we are the only intelligent life in the universe, at least ther s a finite number of idiots. (Quote by - Steven Coallier)

You ca t find any true closeness in Hollywood, because everybody does the fake closeness so well. (Quote by - Carrie Fisher)

What I lack in decorum, I make up for with an absence of tact. (Quote by - Don Williams, Jr.)

People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people have been left out of the pleasure. (Quote by - Russel Baker)

I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable. (Quote by - Mark Twain)

I find it rather easy to protray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me. (Quote by - John Cleese)

Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victems he intends to eat until he eats them. (Quote by - Samuel Butler)

The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning ability to, and bics, meaning withstand tremendous boredom. (Quote by - Dave Barry)

To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost. (Quote by - Gustave Flaubert)

The one function that TV news performs very well is that when there is no news we give it to you with the same emphasis as if it were. (Quote by - David Brinkley)

I grew up in an environment of jokes and sarcasm and puns. I talk that way, so I write that way. (Quote by - Allan Sloan)